I am struggling

In two weeks I will be 60.  I am struggling with my ability to focus on work.  I really don't want to be here... but is being home going to be any better.  Am I just fooling myself.   I feel so restless, bored, unmotivated.  All I want to do is focus on my courses and my genealogy.    I have so many ideas, so may craft projects I want to work on.  The house needs a complete overall.  I need to get more exercise and this job is preventing me from doing it.   I need to find some way to reduce my costs by $224 a month.   Do a list of items to get rid of.  Audible, skill share, apps that I use. 😟😟 

I am blessed and thank God for everyday and everything that happens to me.  Please watch over and protect Chris and Robyn today.  May they be healthy and happy.  Please grant me the patience to wait for your guidance for my next step.  Please, guardian angel, send me a sign so I will know to stay patient and be guided by what is right.  

 😟Watching the Hour glass

It is October 7 and that is what my life is right now, watching the hour glass.   Wishing my time away.  So bored, can't concentrate and unmotivated.  The Brain Fog and unexplainable anxiety is dragging me down and I am just holding my head above water.  Fooling everyone around me.  Going through the plodding drudgery called -- life.  This weekend will be Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for.  I am disappointed and ashamed of myself that I can't get into it at all.  😞

 Another day, another week with my feelings in the dumpster.  It is a terrible feeling to be so depressed.  All I want to do is go home and curl up in bed and not come out.  

My anxiety levels have been high all week.  I have this sinking feeling of dread right down to the core of my chest.  It is like my head is disconnected from my body and my thoughts are spinning and spinning around and focusing on nothing.  I can't shake this horrible feeling. 😟

 I found this new Word Art Website and I'm loving it.

 Labour Day Weekend - Sept 6, 2021

It was a wonderfully quiet weekend.  It has been three years since Mr. Murphy passed.  Buddy has been a treasure and now we have Stimpy the cat to keep him company.  The Blue Jays have been winning.  Work has been terribly boring.  I have started my planning for the fall and hope to have Christmas week off.   My favorite televsion shows now are Hudson and Rex,  Miss Scarlet and the Duke and Defending the Guilty.  

The Pending Avalance

So far my new position feels like I am chipping away at a potential Avalanche.  I don't know the volume of work not being done but I got on work each day and chip away and make little or no effect on the work load.  If I process 20, 40 come in.

Things that I like

 Things that I like.

Spending time with my family, Sitting in the sun,

Sitting in the shade, Flowers, Dogs, Cats

Soft blankets, Naps, Funny TV shows

A Good mystery, Learning new things,

Comfortable shoes, Baseball – Blue Jays

Homemade bread fresh out of the oven

Donuts, Good cup of tea And Coffee

Breakfast in the morning, Walking on the beach

Art, Crafts, Theatre, Baking,

Clean Kitchen, Clean house

 

 

Back to work ...

and only 3 days until the weekend.  Can you tell I live for the weekends.  

This is a picture from our trip to Twillingate.  

The weather was wonderful.  The food was great.  Overall a very pleasant trip.

But I am back to work and there are only four days until the weekend.  Plans for this weekend will include....

some gardening

some sleeping

some housework

some NIGS work

I found this great YouTube course I want to take at 

(150) CS50 2019 - Lecture 0 - Computational Thinking, Scratch - YouTube

only three days until the weekend. 

 Day 1 of vacation 21….So far so good.  

The Anam Cara by Laura Veazey

Think of me often

Two spirits mingled through eons of time

My eyes burning into your soul

Your arms wrapping me, enveloping me, protecting me

Remembering words, joy, laughter, sorrow, loneliness, fears

Think of me often

As I do you, in my dreams

When I hear the quiet of the woods

When I see gentleness, compassion, and strength in the words

When I catch a glimpse of how marvelous what I thought were only dreams could be

Think of me often

When you dream of life being shared

Of gentle companionship

Of fierce loyalty

Of growing old

Of being loved

Think of me often.

Free yourself from both the past and the future.

It’s okay to take a break sometimes.

It’s okay if things just didn’t work out like you thought they would.

It’s okay if a career path didn’t pan out.

It’s okay if a relationship didn’t work.

It’s okay to leave that grudge behind.

It’s okay to not be in control once in a while.

It’s okay to take a break.

It’s okay to not be perfect.

It’s okay to want more.

It’s okay to let go.

You’ve given it your everything, and that’s everything we can do, really.

source: Marcus Chan

 

 Well this is it.   This is time.  Not always sure where I'm going but moving along the path.  I yearn for meaning.  For a clear path without self doubt, second guessing.  I am split in so many directions and my energy is split as well.   Don't have the energy to pursue -- I'm having the "I'll get to it someday" blues.  But what if it is too late.  What if I don't succeed.  What if I finally find what I'm looking for and time has run out.  Does any of this make sense.  I am split between, "I'm too tired to care."  and "I am afraid I'll miss something important."  I am confused.  So much I want to do... but stalled somehow.  Or is is just an excuse... am I fooling myself.   Maybe there is only dreams -- fantastical unrealistic dreams.  Here I go around that bend again -- this evaluation of what I want in my future -- but not actually doing anything about it.   Or is the change so slow that I can't even detect that it is happening.  Am I crawling towards something? Do I have barriers or is it all my imagination.  

 May 26, 2021   Visit : https://youtu.be/ivYkyC8J29M  

• It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in
  Or the light coming off of your skin
  The fragile heart you protected for so long
  Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong
  It's not your hands searching slow in the dark
  Or your nails leaving love's watermark
  It's not the way you talk me off the roof
  Your questions like directions to the truth
  
  It's knowing that this can't go on forever
  Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
  Maybe we'll get forty years together
  But one day I'll be gone
  Or one day you'll be gone
  
  If we were vampires and death was a joke
  We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke
  Laugh at all the lovers and their plans
  I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand
  Maybe time running out is a gift
  I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
  And give you every second I can find
  And hope it isn't me who's left behind
  
  It's knowing that this can't go on forever
  Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
  Maybe we'll get forty years together
  But one day I'll be gone
  Or one day you'll be gone
  
  It's knowing that this can't go on forever
  Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
  Maybe we'll get forty years together
  But one day I'll be gone
  Or one day you'll be gone

 

Listening.  Just listening.  I do a lot of listening.   I wish I didn't  have to do so much listening.  I want to write.  Write something wonderful.  

The world of genealogy, gardening, music, affirmations, wonderful quotations.  

I have so much anxiety -- the nagging feeling of dread.  The feeling of being trapped.  I have the feeling that I am going to burst if I don't do something creative - or outstanding - or memorable - remarkable.  I am so obsessed with leaving a legacy.  Just to get on with it but facing a blank screen.  The stark white blank screen.  We'll I haven't discovered it yet and I'm have the extreme feeling of running out of time.  My legacy clock is ticking.

Happy Mother's Day 2021

 

 Memories of warm summer days

I remember those warm summer days when I was about 5, 6 or 7.  I remember the greens of the trees and grass, the blue of the sky and the yellow of the wild flowers.  The summers were so warm and we were allowed to explore.   I remember the swing set next door.  I was fascinated by the flowers the man next door grew and a learned the names of every one;  marigolds,  petunias and my favorite pansies.  The purples and golds were magical.  The neighbor dog was a big collie and we called him Lassie just like the tv dog.  I don't know if that was his name but he followed us everywhere.  We played dinkies in the driveway - no pavement back then.  We were free to wonder to the rail bed,  catch frogs and bugs.  Everything was new and exiting then. Oh to be six again. 

Writing

Writing 

I still find it very intimidating – that white piece or paper or in my case that blank white screen.  I do not want to publish my completed project in the traditional way – book form.  I will like to use software like Publisher/Illustrator to create an interactive eBook or magazine.  Wouldn't that be cool!.

I want to create my own bullet journal stencils.  There are lots of ideas on the internet.  I have so much I want to do and not enough time to do it.  

Lastly I want to post a special picture of my dog Darcy.  She will be missed. 

 April 9, 2021 - Friday

 

Newfoundland Spring

News of the day:  Prince Philip has passed away at 99.  It is the first major step in changes for the royal family I guess.

We are still in a Pandemic even though NL is doing well this week.   Ontario and western Canada have it bad.  

Well it is a count down for Andrew's and Becca's wedding.  I hope it goes smoothly

I have a lot of work to cover this next few weeks with NIGS